Nothing but Nonsense: June 2006

Movies
we will never see

Dare to dream
Mr. E

Dear Mr. E
I love the
Dr. Phil with Hair
birthday card so much.
It's beautiful.
I wish
with all my heart
that one day
I could buy one
just so I could make
someone's birthday
extra-special.
signed
Petula
Brandon, Manitoba

coming soon

Mr. E
Online Greeting Cards

birthdays will never be the same

People often say

Mr. E
golfers have no sense of humour!

I say
one needs a great sense of humour
to play golf.

I call this picture

Peanut Putter and Jim

Mr. E
going for a sandwich

Nothing But Nonsense
quote of the day

Time's fun when you're having flies

challenge everything
Mr. E

This is the photo of the day

rock on
Mr. E

All day long
people have been asking

Hey Mr. E
Can you make a
Dr. Phil with Hair
Birthday Card?

Yes I can
Just because I like you
Mr. E

The
Computer Imaging Technology
machine is so
full of water right now
I could put goldfish in it.

It should be dry by tonight.

I will feed another Dr. Phil
image into it then.

Be patient!

Mr. E
looking for the mop

Just can't seem to find
the right birthday card
for that special someone?

Here it is!
Just in time!

from your friendly neighborhood
Mr. E

What do
Birthdays and Bathtubs
have in common?

Lots!
When it's
Birthday Card Day
at
Nothing But Nonsense!

Can't find the right card?
Mr. E
to the rescue.

Quite the storm last night!

I left my office window open.
My computer is
right under the window.
This is a picture of
my monitor.

This is the photo of the day

I call it:

That's just great!
My monitor is ruined.

This is
the very first
Nothing But Nonsense
advertisement
ever made

featuring
Miss Photoshop
June 2006

Mr. E
promotional whirlwind

Once again
I've taken
Computer Imaging Technology
to the Max!

Witness the sheer intensity
of the third image
in the thrilling new series

Dr. Phil with Hair

Be prepared
to be startled by

Caveman in a Suit

Did you know

Dr. Phil's
first motivation for becoming a
Master of Disguise
was so he could spend
a few hours every day
NOT being called
Jeffrey Tambor.

This is the photo of the day

Don't forget to brush your tongue

I know what you're thinking

Computer Imaging Technology
is Amazing!
Dr. Phil could easily
be an international spy or a
Master of Disguise!

Yes, the technology is stunning.
If Dr. Phil is a true
Master of Disguise
we'd never know about it.

Mr. E
Taking technology
by the horns!

Nothing But Nonsense
using state of the art
Computer Imaging Technology

proudly presents

the second image
in the sensational new series

Dr. Phil with Hair

be astounded by

Cheeky Dutch Boy

Did you know

North Americans
spend 5-7 minutes
every single day
wondering what
Dr. Phil
would look like with hair.

Assisted by advanced
Computer Imaging Technology
Nothing But Nonsense
proudly introduces
the revolutionary new series

Dr. Phil with Hair

Today's image

1970 Fever

Just as I always suspected!
Mr. E

Have Some Fun Technique #200

Enter a Beauty Contest.
Win 2nd Prize.
Collect $10

Do you
get motivated by:

- being creative?
- an up tempo work environment?
- being your own boss?
- being bossed around?
- meeting deadlines?
- totally blowing deadlines?
- day old donuts?
- month old donuts?
- petrified donuts?
- hitch hiking?
- the smell of others?
- sleeping outside?

If you answered:

YES
to all the questions
NO
to all the questions
YES
to some of the questions
NO
to most of the questions

then a career in
INTERNET CREATIVE WRITING
could be waiting for you!

Simply take the
Mr. E Internet Writing Aptitude Test
Online
(coming soon)

Summer is here
Do you know
The Tent Commandments?

The media are like wild hounds!
What's with the photo of Manakin?

This is the photo of the day

With all this sports talk
I figured we needed a
sports photo of the day.

Get your own Penalty Box Today
6 easy payments of $59.99
plus $19.99 shipping and handling
allow 6-8 weeks delivery

Now THIS
is the kind of judge
I want for my new sport
Soccer Diving!

Wait a minute!
If you look real close
he has a hundred dollar bill
in his hand!
BRIBERY SCANDAL!!!

Ladies
Did you really think
I would forget to make
a t shirt for you?
Not a chance!
Not with
Manakin in the House!

Yet another
Nothing But Nonsense
Feature T Shirt

I'm also grooving on
the cool mannequin ads.
If I say mannequin
just a few more times
and you click on at least
one mannequin ad
every day
We should be able to
ensure the longevity
of mannequin ads.

This is another
Nothing But Nonsense
Feature T Shirt

Mr. E
on the brink of a lucrative
t shirt career

I'm really digging
The Beatles
ads on the site.
If I keep saying
The Beatles
and you keep clicking
on ads that say
The Beatles
I'm confident that ads that say
The Beatles
will be around for some time.

This is a
Nothing But Nonsense
Feature T Shirt
featuring
The Beatles

The Beatles

I have been watching some
World Cup Soccer
on tv.
I was inspired to invent a new game:
Soccer Diving

Rules for Soccer Diving:
On the referee's whistle the
competitor will act like
he has been shot or
nearly mortally wounded
or has suddenly had some bones broken.
The competitor will then
fall off the diving board
while continuing to express
great agony.
The competitior will then swim to
the edge of the pool
and climb out.
After rolling around
at poolside for some time
while holding his leg
or his arm or his head
the competitor will leap to his feet
and kick a soccer ball
that is strategically placed nearby.

Judges will use scorecards
to rate the divers on
acting ability
water entry
and originality.

Soccer Diving should soon become
an Olympic sport.
There are many potential
world class soccer divers
who would show well at
an international level.
Watch for:
Hockey Diving.

Always on the cutting edge
Mr. E

Sunday morning:
a time for delicate
and gentle humour.
It is also time for breakfast.
I can not be late for church.

This is the photo of the day

Teeth, Wisdom and a
degree from Oxford University
are all good things to have.

If you do not have all three
remember:
You can have false teeth
false wisdom
and I will make you a
degree from Oxford University
in Photoshop
for $29.95

This is a photograph
of my very first
Automated Teller

I named her Jennifer

The Evolution
of the
Automated Teller

by
scientist, futurist, theorist and inventor
Mr. E

Listen
I saw some
Beatles ads on here.
You have to click on them
for sure!
Mr. E

Another
Nothing But Nonsense
Feature T Shirt

If it's not in you
Get it in you!

Ladies
I know what you're thinking:

Why is the female
mannequin of the month naked
and the male
mannequin of the month
fully clothed?

Just remember
what Confucious said:

"Every girl's crazy 'bout a
sharp dressed mannequin"

and Manakin is
one sharp dressed mannequin!

Speaking of sharp dressed:
I've gone to great lengths
to get great ads on this site.
Tell your friends
about those great ads
and click on a few yourself

Then pour yourself
a tall drink
get real comfortable
and have another look
at Manakin.

Dare to Dream Baby!
Mr. E

Nothing But Nonsense
Feature T Shirt

available in XL XXL XXXL XXXXL
and Tent

Nothing But Nonsense
Male Mannequin of the Month

something special
for all the ladies

Manakin

A true romantic at heart

Manakin enjoys holding his lightsaber
for extended periods of time.
You can often find him
standing very still
and staring into space.

Never Before Scenes
from
Star Wars
Return of the Time Travelling
Jedi Mannequins
The Video Game

Manakin!
I could sure use a hand fighting
these Level 2 Storm Troopers
right about NOW!

Never Before Scenes
from
Star Wars
Return of the Time Travelling
Jedi Mannequins

Take that Cecilia VanderBoom!

This is the photo of the day

Rumour has it
this is the only cookie
Anna Nicole Smith
ever dated.

Dear Mr. E
I have just spent some time on your site.
I was not impressed.
You make fun of
The Pope
The Beatles
The Church
and legendary golfer Moe Norman
to name just a few.

When you made fun of mannequins
you went too far.

Certainly you are aware that mannequins play an integral role in driving our economy. They sell shoes, hats, wigs, dresses, swimsuits, pantsuits and lingerie.
Never do they complain.
They are the beautiful and silent champions of our great and thriving Capitalist industry.
Can you imagine where we would be without mannequins gracing our shop windows and fashion departments?
I shudder to think.

You have taken something that represents the very fabric of our proud and powerful institution and you shook it like an old rug.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Respectfully
(which is something you do not deserve)
Cecilia VanderBoom
Executive Co-Chairperson
Eye on Internet Morality
Spokesperson
Equality for Mannequins International

Have Some Fun Technique #11

Go to church on Sunday.
Sit near the back.
When the priest proclaims
the psalm number
shout out
BINGO!!!
Everyone will look at you
and 'mur mur'
for a short time.
Soon it will be
business as usual again.
When the collection plate
comes around
pretend it's your
Bingo Winnings!
Stuff the money into
your pocket
and leave.
On the way out
tell the priest you will
be back next Sunday
so have nachos and cheese
all ready to go.

Disclaimer:
Nothing But Nonsense
accepts no responsibilty
for criminal charges
resulting from stealing
the collection plate.

It's
Refer a Friend Friday
at
Nothing But Nonsense

Rules
1. Refer a friend to this site.
2. Tell them to have a good laugh.
3. Tell them to click
on ALL the ads.
4. Tell them to tell another friend
to do the same or else
you won't speak to them
til Monday.
5. Have a good laugh and
click on all the ads yourself.
6. If you completed 1-5
have a short nap.
You earned it.

What's with the big promotion
you ask?

I want to go to the movies!

This is the photo of the day

"When women successfully
combine housework with sports
they will be one step closer
to world domination"
Mr. E

Nothing But Nonsense
Mannequin of the Month

Cheyenne

Cheyenne enjoys music by
The Rolling Stones.
Her favourite game is
Frozen Tag.
She has a weakness for
shiny wigs
and short summer dresses.
She likes to be naked at the beach
and stand very still
for long periods of time.

Nothing But Nonsense
Viewer Appreciation
bonus sign of the day

Nothing But Nonsense
sign of the day

Lots for sale?
I don't see anything for sale!

This is the photo of the day

Note to
Animal Rights Activists

This pig was taken
to the spa
immediately following
this photo shoot
where he enjoyed a sauna
a whirlpool
a pedicure
and a game of 9ball
in the lounge by the fire.

Did you know

Mick Jagger's praise of poutine
had a profound effect on
The Beatles.

By 1969 the band was
experimenting heavily
with poutine.
All The Beatles loved poutine
except Ringo.
Ringo called it 'rubbish'
and claimed poutine would be
the demise of the group.

When the album
'Let it Be Poutine'
was ready for release
Ringo refused to have
his picture on the album cover.
His picture was replaced with
a picture of poutine.
George Harrison professed to
loving poutine the most
so on the album cover
George is looking happily at
the steaming poutine.

Two weeks before
the album was to be released
the British government again
banned any recording
'of any kind'
promoting the
'Canadian devil-food poutine.'
The vocal tracks
were re-recorded
and the album was released
simply as
'Let it Be'

Very rare photo
of the unreleased album
Let it Be Poutine

Update

The audition went really well.
As soon as I took my shirt off
the guy laughed and laughed.
That's good because I think
Fight Club 2 is going
to be a comedy.
He told me to come back
in a week.
'New project' he said
that would be perfect for me.

I took a picture of his desk
with my spy camera.

Man it smells like Raid in here.

Another note from Mr. E
before he does his final
stunt double audition preparations
and the fumigation team arrives
and forces him out of the building

It's an important day today.
One of you will be
visitor 1,000
to the
Nothing But Nonsense website.
Visitor 1,000
Today!
In a couple weeks, one of you
will be visitor 10,000.
Can you imagine?
Sometime after 10,000
the snowball effect will kick-in.
Then one of you will be
visitor 10,000,000,000,000,000.
Imagine being that person!
Once 10,000,000,000,000,000
hits are focused on just one little site
internet mainframes around
the globe will short-circuit.
We will be forced to use old
inventions like telephones
and bicycles
and go to places like
the post office.
I swear, there is a real place
called the post office.
Don't worry
this is all way down the road.
The fumigation guys are here.

Later
Mr. E

Note from Mr. E

Nothing But Nonsense
head office will be closed
for several hours today.
The building is scheduled
for routine fumigation
so I will take this opportunity to
audition for the part of Brad Pitt's
stunt double in Fight Club 2.

In the meantime
I've made arrangements for
this website to remain open.
Read old posts.
Check the archives.
Refer some friends.
Have a bowl of chips.
Click on all the mannequin ads.
There are some totally exciting
mannequins and mannequin products
on the market.
If mannequin ads aren't being displayed
click on the other ads.
One can never read too many good ads
I always say.

I will see you soon.
Wish me luck.
Mr. E

Did you know

When Mick Jagger was a young lad
he visited Canada.
It was in Canada that he first
experienced poutine.
He later said that the
poutine experience
changed his life.
On returning to Britain
Mick couldn't find poutine anywhere.
His poutine angst fuelled the song
'I can't get no Poutine'
The song was released in the UK
in 1965
but was immediately banned
by the British government.
The government claimed that
this 'upstart' Canadian 'hodgepodge'
about poutine
will distract Brits from
favourites like bangers and mash
and kippers.
Mick was furious.
Once he chilled, he went back to
the studio and recorded
the word 'satisfaction'
over the word 'poutine'.
The song was re-released.
It became a hit.
This is a very rare photo
of the first album cover

Another reply of the day

Dear Gladys
The latest edition of the
Canada Food Guide
should help to increase
traffic to this site.
And for your information
it was Pearl who brought the
poutine donuts every day
and she ain't coming back.
signed
Mr. E

Reply of the day

Dear Gladys
I'm a site administrator.
Not a magician.
signed
Mr. E

P.S.
Try closing your eyes
and imagining that you're
breathing fresh sea air.

Letter of the day

Dear Mr. E
I don't think I can
work here another second.
If I have to bury my nose
in another man's armpit
I will lose my mind.
I loved working for you at
Nothing But Nonsense.
You're rude
and narrow-minded
but you usually smelled ok
and every day
you brought donuts
and poutine
and poutine donuts.
Please Mr. E
I beg you
make your site popular again
so I can come back to work.
I don't know how much longer
I can last.
signed
Gladys

Canada Food Guide
recommends
8-10 servings of
Nothing But Nonsense
daily

Publisher's Note

LOOK!!!
Brand new Google Mannequin ads!

"Bendable Mannequin"
"Fashion Mannequin"
"Mannequin Shopping Made Easy"

Don't miss your chance!
Click on the Mannequin ads
TODAY!!!

Never Before Scenes
from
Mr. & Mrs. Norman

This is the photo of the day

There's been so much tension and drama
I figured a picture of a kitten
would help everyone relax.

Plus, I think it will increase
the number of females who come
to this site:

"Mary did you go to
Nothing But Nonsense today?
There was a really cute kitten!"
"Really Janet? A kitten you say.
I went there once and it was all
about mannequins and
some guy named Moe."
"Not any more Mary.
I think they've really cleaned-up
their act!"
"Hmmm ...
I don't know Janet."
"Mary, you absolutely
have to go look at the picture
of the kitten."
"Alright Janet. I will."

I miss Gladys.

Never Before Scenes
from
Moe Be Dick

A second letter of the day

Mr. Ogilivie
Please return the mannequin
that you carried out of our store
along with the fishing net she was holding.
If she's not back by 4pm today
I'm calling the police.
signed
Robert Dortmund
Manager
Canadian Tire store #412
Timmons, Ontario

P.S.
Is she alright?
Tell her I miss her very much.

Letter of the day

Dear Mr. E
Thanks to your amazing
mannequin seducing secrets
I was finally able to seduce a mannequin!
All my previous attempts
failed miserably.
I was ready to give up.
I followed your advice step by step
and it worked like a charm!
This is the kind of program
you'd expect to pay
hundreds or thousands of dollars for
but it was free on your site.
She's sitting on my couch right now!
I'm going to change her wig!
I've never been happier.
I'll recommend your program
to everyone.
signed
Clarence Ogilivie
Timmons, Ontario

This is the photo of the day

Do you recognize the four ladies
in this photo?
I recognize them.
Until this morning those four ladies
worked for me.
They were the incomparable
Nothing But Nonsense
Photo of the Day Creative Team.

Why is the once-prestigious
Nothing But Nonsense
Photo of the Day Creative Team
smelling armpits you ask?
Are they looking for inspiration?
No they're not looking for inspiration.
They are looking for money.

On Saturday and Sunday
this website had its lowest
internet 'hit' numbers
and lowest ad-click numbers
of all time.
I was forced to fire those ladies
and they all took jobs at
the laboratory down the hall.

Look at the lady
who's second from the front.
That's Gladys.
Guess what Gladys told me
last Tuesday.
She HATES the smell of men.
Look at her face.
She's ready to faint!
Imagine how hard it will be
for Gladys to find the strength
to go to work every day.

The lady in the foreground is Pearl.
Pearl has an underarm fetish.
I'm amazed she worked for me
as long as she did
knowing all along that there was
an underarm-smelling laboratory
down the hall.

The other two ladies
are Agnes and Blanche.
Agnes has ten children
and Blanche has a
$200 a day
Pop Rocks addiction.

It was a sad morning
watching them all leave.
I was able to sneak into the laboratory
just long enough to take this picture.

Today, think of
Gladys, Pearl, Agnes and Blanche.
We should all be
ashamed of ourselves!

Secrets to Seducing a Mannequin

This is it.
You're one pick-up line away
from the promised land.
Say this to her
word for word:

"I want to dress you
in the latest fashions
and put a stylish wig on your head."

Practise this sentence over and over
until you have it just right.
Practise in front of a mirror
to perfect your powerful gaze.